A Parody: The Misuse of Tomatoes Act 1971

The year is 2020 and increasing pressure from lobbyists, campaigners and activists has lead to the repeal of The Misuse of TOMATOES Act 1971. This has opened the floodgates to an immediate and extensive increase in the consumption of TOMATOES across the United Kingdom.

Significant shifts in spending habits across the country have been seen almost immediately and most notably in the consumption of potato snacks and pepperoni pizza. The reasons for this are not clear although it appears that the indulgence of TOMATOES may lead to a period of sustained hunger or desire for fast food, especially in the period post-consumption.

A general election is forthcoming and parties are preparing their manifestos in order to gain the support of the electorate. We’ve secured an example of policies that one party is looking to implement during their time in office.

Economic Policy

Taxation.

For the purposes of “making life easier”, citizens shall be required to calculate relevant taxation for themselves “if they are ok with that” and shall forward appropriate payment “soon”.

It is believed this method of administration will allow the population to lead lives that focus on issues of importance, such as taming the wild elephants that continue to perform somersaults around them and confronting the aggressive lettuce that frequents the kitchen only after consumption of supermarket extra special mushrooms.

Export & Trading Partners

Understanding the importance of excellent economic relations with other nations is fundamental to economic success. Our policy is to improve relations with the government of The Netherlands, owing to their opinions surrounding he production and usage of TOMATOES. We feel this will be conducive to a more mellow Europe.

Health & The NHS

The usage of TOMATOES in medicine can now be experimented with fully and the benefits can be brought to light. Patients with common ailments such as “chronic boredom” and “not being able to let things go” may find a more positive prognosis is possible through the usage of TOMATOES and as such increased funding provisions will be made available.

Crime & Policing

Policing policy in the United Kingdom will change to incorporate a higher level of discretion. Laws shall be applied in much the same way but judges shall have increased powers to release suspects for reasons such as the defendant’s mother insisting that “he/she is a good lad/girl most of the time”.

Additional defences include: “promising never to do it again” and “thinking it was ok because your mate didn’t get caught”.

A new verdict will become available to juries across England and Wales and shall be known as “he/she seems nice I suppose”. It will be available to juries when making a guilty or not guilty verdict is just that little bit too tricky and the defendant seems like a nice person anyway. This will reduce costs in the justice system and free up prisons for dangerous criminals convicted of serious offences such as cow tipping and fare evasion.

A new offence will be created that aims to prevent people from “being unreasonable”. Examples of what shall be deemed unreasonable include:

–       Consuming TOMATOES with malice

–       Becoming flustered over something trivial

–       Necessitating productivity at work

Police officers shall no longer work on Sundays, “as long as everything is alright”.

In an aim to reduce public sector involvement in the family unit, domestic crimes shall be left for everybody “to sort it out between themselves”. Findings and decisions made on the Jeremy Kyle show shall become legally binding under the law of England.

Education

Education shall remain much the same with minor changes to the mathematics curriculum to include a heavy focus on working with complex fractions and units of weight measurement.

The War on Terror

The Terrorism Act 2000 shall include additional provision for dealing with terrorists who are “a bit of a pain in the backside” but haven’t done anything naughty yet. Aiding terrorists in attacking the United Kingdom shall be considered impolite amongst other things and will not be tolerated.

Deportation where the destination nation cannot be established shall be conducted by equipping the deportee with speedos and goggles (provided by the taxpayer) and being placed in the English Channel with a map.

Further details will be available shortly so keep checking for updates as the policy debates evolve.